Bit of a hiatus there: I hope to be able to blog regularly as the Primary approcahes. Spent last weekend in Florida for my cousin Samantha’s Bat Mitzvah. A few interesting stories to share.
My father called me over to introduce me to this guy who mentioned Howard Dean. Apparently, the fact that certain people are “wackos” is lost of my Dad. This man, who smelled and was a “close talker” (almost) literally chewed my ear off about Howard Dean for 10 minutes. I finally got away and told my Dad “If you do that again, you’re out of the will.”
Southwest Airlines has this new policy of having the flight attendants tell jokes. Here are some classics:
[Pre-flight]
“We don’t anticipate a change in cabin pressure during the flight, but if one occurs, oxygen masks will drop from the compartment above. The oxygen is 15 cents for the first minute, and 10 cents a minute after that. As always, correct change is appreciated.”
“If you are traveling with a small child, put your mask on first, and then place the mask on your child. If you are traveling with two or more children, pick your favorite.”
“Seat belts should be worn like mini-skirts: low and tight.”
“It is against Federal regulations to smoke on this flight, even in our port-o-potties. If you insist on smoking, we’ll put you out on the wing where you can light up at 500mph and enjoy our in-flight movie of ‘Gone with the Wind.’ We’d just appreciate it if you came back in for the landing.”
OR
“It is against Federal regulations to smoke on a flight; in fact, it is a $2000 fine. If you’d like to pay $2000 for a ticket to Manchester, try USAir.”
“In the event our flight becomes a cruise from Orlando to Ft Lauderdale, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. Put your arms in the red straps and kick, kick, paddle, paddle all the way to shore. In case the giant squid attacks, don’t worry, the flight attendants will fight them off with beer and peanuts.”
“And finally, please folks, don’t sweat the petty stuff. … Or vice-versa.”
[And then at the end of the flight]
“If you have a Southwest connecting flight at BWI please check the TV monitors for departure information. If you have a connecting flight with another company, we just don’t care.”
“When we reach the gate, the captain turning off the seat belt sign will be your one and only indication to get up, hit your head on the ceiling and go absolutely nowhere until we open the door.”
“Please be careful when retrieving your bags from the overhead bin; remember, shift happens.”